How to Set Boundaries as a Christian Woman 1: The What, Why and Where of Healthy Boundaries

If you’ve been wondering how to set boundaries in a biblical, loving, and practical way, you’re not alone.

Are you saying yes too often? Have you set healthy boundaries that protect you as well as the people around you?  Let’s explore boundaries today: what they are, why we need them, and where they apply in order to maintain a balance that brings glory to God in your life. 

Your friend wants you to take her child to school every day—what’s the big deal? You’re going anyway with your children. Your pastor wants you to run the coffee bar every Sunday morning—simple, right? Wednesday nights—sure, you can lead a small group. Your daughter’s cheer coach quit mid-season, so could you just step in until football is over? And take them to competition?

These are good things. So why say no?

It’s not much—just four little things. And it feels like a compliment to be asked. If everyone thinks you can handle it, why let them down? It’s fun being Superwoman… until the cape starts to strangle you.

While we are here, let’s add in everything that was already in your schedule: housework, job responsibilities, chauffeuring kids to sports and music lessons, time with your husband or friends, family obligations, church commitments… now add those four little things, and suddenly you’re running on empty.

Maybe it wasn’t so little after all.

Many Christian women struggle with boundaries because they fear appearing selfish or unloving. The result? Feeling drained, overlooked, and disconnected from your own needs. Setting godly boundaries protects your peace, your relationships, and your spiritual growth. Boundaries are not unchristian—they are stewardship over your time, your energy, and your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 offers necessary wisdom: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Understanding how to set boundaries begins with recognizing why they matter in your daily life. Let’s begin with the what, why, and where of learning how to set boundaries.

How to Set Boundaries: Understanding What Healthy Boundaries Are

Knowing how to set boundaries helps you protect your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. They define what is okay for us and what isn’t, helping us communicate our needs clearly and honor our God-given responsibilities. Healthy boundaries allow us to show love, serve others well, and maintain peace without becoming overwhelmed, drained, or taken advantage of.

Jesus stated in Matthew 5:37, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no”. His brother James echoes the same in James 5:12, “let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No”. Both of these speak to boundaries.  Make the commitments that you can make, and that fall in line with what God has called you to do. 

Just as Important: Understanding What Boundaries Are NOT

Please hear this: boundaries do not equal selfishness.  Boundaries are about protection and stewardship. (Say it louder for the people in the back?)

Here’s a practical example: how about saying “no” to extra responsibilities to maintain family and personal time? 

Perhaps my friend wants me to take her child to school every day - as I am going there anyway, it seems an easy ask in her mind.  However, she doesn’t know that I use this time with my little captive audience: we pray together, share life lessons, we talk about personal matters, we laugh and we have a peaceful start to our day. She doesn’t know that I always schedule dentist appointments or check-ups early in the morning, which would be an interruption in her routine if I’m the driver.  

My friend thought it was a simple ask - I think it is impractical for me based on how I want to use this time.  Saying no protects many things: my responsibility to speak godly perspective into my children, our dedicated time together as a family.  The boundary even protects my friendship - the inevitable interruptions and changes to her morning routine might be a strain to us. 

This is not selfish - this is about being a good steward of what God has entrusted to me.  This is about redeeming the time given to us (Eph. 5:15-17, Col. 4:5, Psalm 139:16, Galatians 6:10).

Boundaries vs. Selfishness: A Biblical Perspective

From a biblical perspective, boundaries are not acts of selfishness but expressions of wisdom and stewardship. As Proverbs 4:23 teaches us to guard our hearts, we must understand  that this includes caring for our time, energy, and emotional health. 

Saying “no” when needed isn’t unloving—it helps us live in obedience to God, give from a healthy place, and love others with sincerity rather than exhaustion.

If you’re learning how to set boundaries as a Christian woman, understanding what healthy boundaries are is the first step toward protecting your peace and relationships. Once you know why boundaries are important, learning how to set boundaries in different areas of life becomes much clearer.

How to Set Boundaries: Recognize Why You Need Them

So, imagine the pastor asked you to run the coffee bar every Sunday or lead a small group every Wednesday (or maybe both).  Your pastor thinks highly of you - isn’t that nice?  Here’s an opportunity to check your pride at the door: overcommitting, even to church activities, comes with an expense.

Behind the coffee bar, you smile at the people who drink coffee, but the non-coffee drinkers miss your smile (yes, they exist!).  You have to clean up before service starts, so you miss some/most of worship. 

Wednesday nights?  Well, initially you thought that it was only 90 minutes once a week.  When you said yes, you weren’t thinking of preparing the lesson, developing discussion points and being prepared if no one participates (that happens - what do you do with a quiet group and a long hour?).  Oh yes - there’s the follow-up with visitors and checking in with the regulars who weren’t there for the last two weeks….

How does this line up with your rule of life, with the priorities that God has set for you? Perhaps you should have done one or the another, not both.  Perhaps you should have volunteered for once or twice a month in the coffee bar, not every week.  Service is part of your Christian walk - I don’t want you to cut it out.  I want you to know your priorities and set your boundaries accordingly.

Knowing how to set boundaries will honor God and others.

Common Challenges Christian Women Face

Christian women struggle with setting boundaries for many reasons: guilt, people-pleasing, fear of conflict. What will people think of me if I am not super woman after all? (Wouldn’t it be better if you were super woman in a few key areas rather than worn out in all of them?)

It’s hard to say no, I understand you. However, you only have so many yes’s.  You are limited. Encourage yourself with these before we move on: 

• Jesus explicitly teaches, “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you”. Put God’s priorities first, and trust Him with the rest.
• David expresses the same “one necessary thing” focus in Psalm 27:4 - “One thing have I asked of the Lord… to dwell in the house of the Lord… to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord.” David chooses presence over productivity, contemplation over activity - he chooses God’s priorities in his life. 
• Paul says everything else is “loss” compared to knowing Christ in Philippians 3:7-14, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord… This one thing I do…” Again, relational pursuit of Christ over all competing concerns.

Overcoming these obstacles in order to set boundaries isn’t easy, but it is valuable.

Scripture on Personal Responsibility and Stewardship

Galatians 6:5 says, “For each one should carry their own load”.  It follows, then, that we have an assignment and a “load” to attend to.

Someone just asked, “What about Galatians 6:2?  You blogged about that one, too!” (click here) Great question, Bible scholar!  I’m proud of you!  Let’s talk about why these work in conjunction, not in competition: 

You cannot bear another’s burdens if you are worn out yourself. Setting healthy boundaries will help you care for yourself and give you the space needed to care for others. 

Recognizing why you need to know how to set boundaries can help Christian women stop people-pleasing and start living intentionally with God’s guidance.

How to Set Boundaries: Where Do You Need to Set Boundaries?

I love this caring instruction from Jesus to His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest”. Jesus modeled how to set boundaries in Mark 6:31 when he stepped away to rest and recharge. I think He is saying the same to us today, and it gives me peace. Rest is allowed - even encouraged.

You need to know how to set boundaries in the following areas:

Personal and Emotional Boundaries

Boundaries protect your mental health.  Say no to toxic relationships and situations. This does not mean that God won’t call you at times to hard people or hard circumstances - this does mean that God won’t call you to something that will also cause you to be unhealthy.  God will protect you where He calls you - if you are saying yes to everything that comes your way, you might be on your own.

Family and Marriage Boundaries

Knowing how to set boundaries as a wife or mother or roommate creates space for healthy communication and peace at home. Delegating responsibilities, protecting marriage and parenting time. Husbands can cook meals or put away laundry (just an example - do what works for you).  Children can clean their own rooms or make their own beds (again, do what works for you). 

Be open to change and be willing to shift with seasons.  Here’s an example: when my husband was working toward his doctorate, I took on more responsibilities at home and at church. God gave me grace for that.  When he graduated, the responsibilities shifted again.

Work and Ministry Boundaries

When you understand how to set boundaries in work and ministry, burnout becomes far less common. Serve your family, serve your church, serve your community - but boundaries are not optional. 

God Himself commanded a boundary: taking a Sabbath.  Exodus 20:8-11 and Deuteronomy 5:12-15 both state very clearly, “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work”. You need this rest, the Lord prepared it and blessed it for you as a gift. 

In my life: for many years, my husband was a pastor.  Sunday was a work day for us, not a day of rest.  We had to pick another day to Sabbath. I didn’t realize its importance for many years.  When I finally came to understand the need, I realized that I had not set boundaries around this time.  As a result, Sabbath was not a priority, and I was worn out.  

Over time, the Lord helped me get my schedule back in balance, and now a weekly Sabbath is both a joy and necessity!  However, I had to set boundaries (had to say “yes” to the right things as well as “no” to the right things) to make it happen.  The Lord will help you as well!

Here’s a blog that may be a help on taking a Sabbath and budgeting time, that’s a means of how to set boundaries as well.

Social Media and Community Boundaries

Part of knowing how to set boundaries today includes protecting your energy online and offline. Consider your time spent on social media and social obligations - these are often overlooked areas where knowing how to set boundaries is needed as well.  In my own life, I’ll be honest: social media wears me out, but I find it necessary for certain areas of ministry and relationship. I set a pattern along with a boundary: I schedule out as much as I can in advance (pattern), and I limit the time spent online (boundary).  

Time alone is also important to me, so I limit the number of weekly social events so I’m not worn out.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what boundaries are necessary for your balance - we are all different!

Social media may be necessary in certain seasons, but it can easily drain you. Set patterns and boundaries:

• schedule posts
• limit scrolling
• observe digital “office hours”

With social obligations, know your limits. Early bedtime? Protect it. Need alone time? Schedule it. The Holy Spirit will show you the boundaries that fit your personality and calling.

Exploring these boundaries across different areas of life shows Christian women how to set limits that honor God, nurture relationships, and protect personal well-being.

How to Set Boundaries: Next Steps

Now that we have identified the “what”, ”why” and “where”, let me apologize for leaving you here!  I promise next week we’ll get into the actual how to set boundaries that will help you maintain a balance that pleases God and works for your life. That’s the hard part - but achieving that balance will be a treasure! If you’re ready to start learning how to set boundaries, begin with one small step this week. Ask God to guide you as you discern how to set boundaries that honor Him.

We will continue this conversation on the podcast on Thursday - subscribe to @JenniferWSpivey on Youtube so you don’t miss an episode.  Check out www.connectmentoringnetwork.org for resources for life and leadership as you follow Christ. I’d love to talk to you about mentorship and its benefits - let’s connect!

Come back next Tuesday at 10am for our next steps on how to set boundaries!