2: Can a Pastor’s Wife Have Friends? Yes - But (like everything else) Hold Them Lightly! 

Last week on the blog and podcast, we asked the question: can a pastor’s wife have friends?  The answer is yes - but there is something I’ve had to learn about friendship that I wish came naturally more often: Hold it lightly. For the pastor's wife and for anyone else who desires healthy friendships, there are a few important principles to remember. Let's share some of these today!

Like everything else in life, friendships have seasons.

Some friendships last a lifetime. Some last for a season. Some are deeply intimate, while others are simply a gift for a particular chapter of our lives.

Sometimes, a friendship that was once incredibly important changes. Sometimes it ends. That can hurt. I won’t pretend it doesn’t.

But I’ve learned that the ending of a friendship doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t real. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable. And it certainly doesn’t mean that everything we shared somehow becomes meaningless because we don’t share it anymore.

Sometimes it simply means the season changed.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - Remembering that We Learn to Grip Before We Learn to Release

Have you ever watched a baby grab something? A baby can grab your necklace and hold on for dear life. You might gently try to pull it away, but those tiny fingers seem incapable of releasing it.

The truth is that they are incapable of letting go. They haven’t learned how yet. A child learns how to grip before they learn how to release.

I think we do something similar with the gifts God gives us.

We grab onto people. We grab onto relationships. We grab onto seasons. And because something is good, we assume we should be able to keep it forever.

However, part of growing in Christ is learning how to receive God’s gifts with open hands. That doesn’t mean we don’t value them. It means we recognize that they belong to Him. Friendship is not possession.

People don’t belong to us. They belong to the Lord.

Sometimes the very friendship we are trying desperately to hold onto was never meant to be held forever. It was meant to be received, enjoyed, learned from, treasured—and eventually released.

That is hard. That is painful. But it is also part of learning to trust God.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - Remembering that God Is My Protector

One of the ways I try to live is with my arms open and my heart open. I remind myself: People might hurt me, but God will protect me. God will heal me.

Over the years, I’ve come to believe that when I build a wall between myself and another person, I’m also putting up a wall between myself and the Lord. I don’t want to build walls between myself and other people because I’m afraid of being hurt.

I think that those walls are essentially saying, God, I don’t believe that You are big enough to protect me.

I don’t want to live that way. I don’t want to have a wall between me and the Lord.  I don’t want to have a wall between me and you.

Scripture repeatedly reminds us that God is our protector:

“The Lord is my protector; He is my strong fortress. My God is my protection, and with Him I am safe.” Psalm 18:2

“You are my defender and protector; I put my hope in Your promise.” Psalm 119:114

“He is my rock and my salvation, my defender; I shall not be greatly shaken.” Psalm 62:6

Psalm 84:11 reminds us: “For the Lord God is a sun and shield…”

When I walk into relationships keeping everyone at arm’s length, trying to protect myself from every possible hurt, I’ve stepped into an office that God belongs in. Protecting is an office that belongs to God. He is not going to share His office with me - I can let Him do it, or I can do it by myself.

I don’t think He’s angry with me when I do that. I think He’s gentle. I almost imagine Him saying: “Jennifer, when you’re tired of protecting yourself, tag Me in. This is My job. And I do it well.”

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - Remembering that When You Protect Yourself From the Bad, You Also Protect Yourself From the Good

There is another problem with living behind walls. While I’m protecting myself from the possibility of being hurt, I’m also protecting myself from the possibility of being blessed.

I’m keeping people out - but I’m also keeping out the gifts they might bring into my life. I’m keeping out the gifts I might have brought into theirs.

What if that new friendship could have brought laughter into a hard season?

What if that woman needed your friendship just as much as you needed hers?

What if God wanted to use that relationship to teach you something?

What if He wanted to use you to encourage, strengthen, or comfort someone else?

Self-protection can keep out the very thing we’re praying for.

I want to live with discernment, but not fear. I want to be wise without becoming guarded. I want to have boundaries without building walls. I want to live with my arms open, my heart open, and my hands open.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - so Don’t Protect Yourself From Friendship

It can be very tempting to isolate ourselves after we’ve been hurt. We think, If I don’t let anyone get close, no one can hurt me. It makes sense on the surface. But it isn’t healthy. 

Yes, friendship can hurt.

I’ve had friendships end. They broke my heart. They hurt deeply. There have been moments when I’ve wondered, How will I ever let someone get that close to me again?

But I’ve also learned to ask myself a different question: Would I trade the gift of that friendship to avoid the pain of losing it?

Would I trade the laughter? The memories? The conversations? The things I learned? The ways that person shaped me? The ways God used that relationship in my life?

Would I trade all of that just so I wouldn’t have to experience the pain of saying goodbye?

For me, the answer is no.

Maybe the pain could have been avoided, but the blessing would have been lost. I don’t want to live my life that way.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - Remembering that The Pain Doesn’t Erase the Gift

Think back over your own life. There are probably people who were once very close to you who aren’t close anymore. This is true for a pastor's wife and for anyone in any station of life.

Maybe you moved. Maybe they moved.

Maybe you changed jobs. Maybe they changed jobs.

Maybe one of you changed churches.

Maybe life simply took you in different directions. Maybe the friendship slowly faded. Maybe you don’t even know exactly why it changed.

That hurts, I won’t pretend it doesn’t. But here’s the encouragement: don’t let the ending erase the gift.

They were a blessing when you had them. The friendship mattered when you shared it. The laughter was real. The memories were real. The growth was real.

The love was real.

The fact that something didn’t last forever doesn’t mean it wasn’t beautiful while it lasted. We don’t have to punish every future friendship because one friendship didn’t stay. We don’t have to eliminate the possibility of blessing because we’re afraid of experiencing another goodbye.

Friends come and go like seasons come and go. Hold them lightly. Enjoy them fully. Love them well.

And trust God with what comes next.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - and Let God Do His Job

I think sometimes we forget that pain is part of living in a fallen world. You’re going to get hurt. Not necessarily because you did something wrong. Not necessarily because you weren’t discerning enough. Not because you should have kept everyone at arm’s length. Pain is simply part of life on this side of heaven.

But pain doesn’t have to become our reason for isolation - and fear doesn’t have to become our reason for loneliness.

Jesus is our protector. God is our shield. The Holy Spirit is our comforter. So let God do His job.

What’s your “job” here? Use wisdom. Use discernment. Pay attention to red flags. Set healthy boundaries.

But don’t build walls simply because you’re afraid of what might happen on the other side of them. The same open door that allows someone to hurt you also allows someone to love you. The same open heart that can experience grief can experience joy.

I don’t want to miss the joy because I’m trying so hard to avoid the pain.

A. A. Milne wrote a line that has stayed with me: “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Maybe that’s the better way to look at it. Instead of saying, I’ll never let anyone get that close again, perhaps we can say: I’m grateful I loved deeply enough for goodbye to hurt.

And then we can open our hands with a friend. Open our hearts. Open our arms.

And trust the One who holds us both.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - You Don’t Have to Do Ministry Alone

So, can a pastor’s wife have friends? Absolutely. Leadership and friendship don’t have to compete with each other. In fact, healthy friendships can become one of God’s gifts for helping us remain grounded, encouraged, and connected as we serve.

If you’re longing for a place to grow deeper in Christ while navigating the joys and challenges of ministry, I’d love to invite you into the Connect Mentoring Network. Through biblical resources, courses, mentoring, encouragement, and meaningful connection with other women in ministry, you’ll find a place to grow and be reminded that you don’t have to figure this out by yourself.

Whether you’re a pastor’s wife or a woman serving on a ministry staff, you don’t have to be the one holding the microphone to make a difference. You can lead faithfully from your front-row seat—and you can learn to do it with health, wisdom, and longevity.

If that’s something you’re looking for, take a look at my Leading From the Front Row e-course, available as a stand-alone course or included with Connect Mentoring Network membership.

Ministry was never meant to be lived in isolation. Hold your friendships lightly, hold your calling faithfully, and stay connected to the people God places along the way.

We’ll keep exploring this conversation on the Connect Podcast this week. Subscribe here so you don’t miss the next episode. Thanks for connecting with me today!