Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? YES! (and you need them!)

Can a pastor's wife have friends? I believe the answer is a resounding yes! This post is adapted from a conversation between Jennifer Spivey and Jan McIntyre for Silently Bleeding: Hope for the Pastor’s Wife. It is the first in a series exploring healthy friendships, relationships, boundaries, and emotional health for women in ministry. Click here for the original interview - and if you are a pastor’s wife, subscribe to Jennifer Spivey and also to Silently Bleeding! We are in this together!

If you are not a pastor’s wife, stay with me anyway - these principles of healthy friendships will serve anyone in life and leadership well!

When Michael and I first entered ministry, I had lunch with a pastor’s wife who wanted to tell me everything I needed to know before we moved thirteen hours away to join a church staff.

I was young, excited, and already in love with the people we were going to serve. I was so excited to have this ministry leader offer me a little insight and time! I didn't know enough yet to even ask, "Can the pastor's wife have friends?" Then she said something I’ll never forget:

“Jennifer, what you need to know right now is that you are no longer going to have friends. People in the church only want to use you for information, and when your husband makes them angry, they’re going to turn on you too. So just keep to yourself.”

I remember thinking, I’m moving thirteen hours away from my family and my friends, and you’re telling me these people don’t even like me?

I understand now that she was trying to protect me. She had been hurt. She had learned to build walls around her heart, and she wanted to help me avoid the pain she had experienced. After three decades as a pastor’s wife myself, I feel the same heart and desire to protect those coming after me. I’m still grateful for her, her heart for me, and her time. However, it made for a lonely season in my new home!

This was not unusual advice. For years, ministry wives have been told things directly or indirectly that may sound wise but often produce something unhealthy: “Don’t have friends in the church.” The answer to the question, "Can the pastor's wife have friends?" was apparently a hard no.

Some months after arriving at that first church, a blessing came: another associate on staff with us became engaged.  When we went to dinner to celebrate with the soon-to-be-married couple, this precious woman leaned over to me. She whispered, “Missy, I’ve already been told I can’t have friends anymore, so guess what?  That means me and you are new best friends! We’re in this together!” What a gift she became as we served together!

From that early friendship and the years that followed, I learned something very different from that initial piece of advice: You can have friends. You can have friends inside your congregation. You can have friends outside your congregation. You can have close friends. 

And, ministry wife, you need them.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! You Are Still a Human Being

Of course, being a pastor’s wife comes with unique responsibilities. There are things you may know that other people don’t know. There are situations where you have to exercise discretion. There are times when you need to choose carefully what you share and with whom you share it.

However, you are still a human being. You were created for relationship.

The very first thing God declared ‘not good’ during creation was that man was alone (Genesis 2:18). We were never designed to live isolated lives. Galatians 6:2 tells us to “bear one another’s burdens,” and that is one of the beautiful gifts of godly friendship.

Just because you are the pastor’s wife doesn’t mean you don’t have burdens.

You still need someone to call when your heart is hurting.

You still need someone to celebrate with when something wonderful happens.

You still need someone to laugh with over coffee.

You still need someone who knows your story and loves you anyway.

You still need women who will pray with you.

Being a ministry wife doesn’t cancel your need for friendship.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! Wisdom Is Not Isolation

Now, before someone says, “But Jennifer, you can’t tell everyone everything!”

I agree. But that isn’t unique to ministry. It isn’t wise for anyone to tell everyone everything all the time.

There are things I might share with my husband that I wouldn’t share with a friend. There are things I might share with a close friend that I wouldn’t share with someone I’ve just met. There are things I might ask another pastor’s wife about because she understands the particular situation I’m navigating.

And there are things that simply aren’t mine to share at all. That’s not deception. That’s wisdom.

Sometimes people confuse privacy with secrecy. They assume that if we aren’t telling everyone everything, we’re somehow being dishonest.

But Mary gives us a beautiful picture of something different. Scripture tells us that she “treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).

There are some things we simply hold close. Wisdom means knowing what to share, when to share it, and with whom to share it.

This is true no matter what your title or situation is: use wisdom and discretion. Whether you’re a pastor, an attorney, a teacher, or a mail carrier, you need to choose carefully what you share and with whom you share it.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! Model the Friendships You Want to See

One of the best things a pastor’s wife can do is model healthy friendship.

Celebrate spiritual friendships. When two women in your church become friends, celebrate it.

When you see women having coffee together, don’t wonder, Why wasn’t I invited? Be genuinely glad.

You want the women in your church to love each other. Sometimes they’ll invite you. Sometimes they won’t. It doesn’t have to be personal.

I’ve found that when I celebrate the friendships of the women around me, they are much more likely to celebrate mine.

The women in my church know that part of my own rhythm of life includes taking a girls’ trip a couple of times a year. They see the pictures.

When I come home, they ask, “How was your trip?” It doesn’t create jealousy because healthy friendship has become normal. I think that’s important.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! It is not healthy for the pastor’s wife to be a lone ranger.

If the loneliest person in the church is the pastor’s wife, I would at least wonder if something is unhealthy—not because loneliness makes her less effective in the role of pastor’s wife, but because isolation is rarely a healthy long-term strategy for anyone.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! Your Close Friends Need to Understand Your Role

One of the greatest challenges of having friendships inside the church is managing expectations. Friendship involves trust.

If I call my close friend and say, “I need you to pray for me because….”, I’m trusting her with my story.

But my friend knows that if someone else has trusted me with their story, she also understands that I may not be able to tell her about it. She doesn’t interpret my silence as a lack of trust. She understands that sometimes Michael and I are entrusted with information that isn’t public.

She understands that our friendship isn’t built around collecting other people’s stories. She understands that our friendship exists to help us bear one another’s burdens—not to carry around everyone else’s secrets.

That kind of understanding made healthy friendship within my congregation possible. The few women who understood this dynamic became close friends of mine within my congregation—and remained close friends even after I left that particular church.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! You Don’t Have to Be Best Friends With Everyone

This is another place where ministry wives can put unnecessary pressure on themselves.

You don’t have to be equally close to every woman in your church. In fact, you probably won’t be.

Some people will naturally become closer friends because of shared interests, similar seasons of life, proximity, or simply the way God connects your hearts. That’s normal.

I think we sometimes confuse loving everyone equally with spending equal amounts of time with everyone. Those aren’t the same thing.

I can love every woman in my church deeply without having coffee with every woman in my church every week. I can spend an afternoon with a friend or two without that meaning I’ve intentionally excluded everyone else.

During COVID, I learned this lesson in a very practical way. When things began opening back up, I went through a drive-through with a couple of women from church. These weren’t new relationships. We’d spent time together before. We were friends and it wasn’t a secret.

One of us took a picture and posted it on Facebook. Innocent, right? Everyone posts the obligatory selfie, don’t they?

Not long afterward, I received a few phone calls. Complaints, really.  Imaginary offenses that sounded like: “Well, I thought you and I were going to hang out.”

I remember replying, “We are! We have, and we will.”

That trip to the drive-through wasn’t an exclusive club. We weren’t against anyone else. We were simply three friends having lunch. Not everyone understood - and to be honest, I had to be okay with that.

Sometimes we create expectations in our relationships that no human being could possibly fulfill. Healthy friendships require us to release those expectations.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! Keep Your Heart Open

Years ago, one of our associate pastors got engaged. I loved his fiancée immediately.

I also remember thinking, I’ve got to get to her before Google does.

I called her and said, “Whatever you do, don’t Google ‘pastor’s wife.’” She laughed. “Too late,” she said. “I already learned I can’t have friends anymore.”

I said, “Let’s go have sushi, and we’ll work this out.”

We talked about healthy relationships. I encouraged her: Yes, there are things you can’t tell everyone. Yes, you need wisdom. Yes, people may hurt you.

But before you became a pastor’s wife, could you tell everyone everything? No. So we’re going to be normal. You’ll have things you keep private. You’ll have things you share openly. You’ll have coffee with people. You’ll have friends inside and outside the church.

You don’t have to become a best friend to every woman in your congregation.

But you can live with your heart open and your arms open wide.

That’s where I believe the real blessing begins.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! But, Don't Replace Jesus as Your Best Friend

There is one more important piece to healthy friendship:

Your friend cannot be your Savior.

I spoke with a dear friend and fellow pastor’s wife about this, and she told me something so valuable: there was a season when she realized she was running to the phone instead of running to the Throne.

That phrase has stayed with me.

Friends are gifts from God. They are not God. A friend can pray with you. A friend can encourage you. A friend can listen. A friend can sit beside you in the middle of heartbreak.

But your friend cannot carry the weight that only Jesus can carry.

Sometimes God may even allow a friendship to change or enter a season of distance because He is lovingly reminding us where our ultimate source is.

Run to the throne first. Then call your friend.

When our priorities are in the right order, our friendships become healthier because we aren’t asking another human being to fulfill a role only God can fill.

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! You Can Have Friends—and You Need Them

When Michael entered ministry in 1996, the advice really was: Separate yourself from people in the church. Don’t let anyone get too close. Pretend you’re perfect. Smile all the time. Don’t tell anyone anything.

I understand why that advice existed.

People have been hurt. Ministry can be complicated. Confidentiality matters. Wisdom matters.

But I don’t believe isolation is the answer.

Can the pastor's wife have friends? Yes! You can have friends.

You can have friends inside your church. You can have friends outside your church.

You can have ministry friends who understand the unique things you carry.

And you can have friends who have nothing to do with ministry at all.

You are a ministry wife. But before you are a ministry wife, you are a woman whom God created for relationship.

So open your heart.

Exercise wisdom. Protect confidences. Celebrate the friendships around you. Run to the throne before you run to the phone.

And then?

Go have coffee with a friend.

You were never meant to walk alone.

I want to leave you with some reflection questions today:

1. Have you ever been told that ministry wives shouldn’t have close friends? How did that advice affect you?
2. Do you tend to isolate yourself when you’ve been hurt?
3. Are there friendships inside your church that you could intentionally invest in?
4. Are there friendships outside your church that need more investment?
5. Are you running to the phone before you run to the Throne?
6. What would it look like for you to live with your heart open while still exercising wisdom?

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes - but let’s Be Honest. Will There Be Hurt?

No one escapes heartache and pain,  That’s part of living in this fallen world. Even in friendships, there will be seasons, transitions, misunderstandings, loss, and sometimes even betrayal.

Like the first ministry wife who spoke to me at the very beginning, my heart is to prepare you - and yes, even warn you.  The possibility of pain is real.

But the possibility of pain is not a reason to isolate.

Let’s put a bookmark there and pick this conversation next week.  We have more to unpack.  We’re in this together!

Can a Pastor's Wife Have Friends? Yes! Leadership and Friendship: You Can Have Both!

We’ll continue this conversation on the Connect Podcast this week. Subscribe here so you never miss an episode.

If you’re looking for a place to grow deeper in Christ while serving faithfully in ministry, I’d love to welcome you into the Connect Mentoring Network—a community offering biblical resources, courses, mentoring, encouragement, and connection with other women in ministry.

Whether you’re a pastor’s wife or a woman serving on a ministry staff, you don’t have to hold the microphone to help shape the story. You can lead well from your front-row seat—and you can do it in a way that is healthy and sustainable.

If you’d like to learn more, check out my Leading From the Front Row e-course, available as a stand-alone course or through membership in the Connect Mentoring Network.

You were never meant to navigate ministry or life alone. Let’s stay connected!